"LIL: Mum!!! Muuuuuum! I just saw a HUGE guinea pig and it looked at me funny!! Muuuum! Go get rid of it ... Hang on, why is Daddy cuddling the giant guinea pig? And why is it on MY sofa?! And why is its tail WAGGING?!!!... Who do I write to about the appalling conditions in which I am forced to live? Don't be surprised if a BBC film crew turn up on your doorstep to expose this OUTRAGE!!"