"BRAMBLE: Wow! My new basket is massive! It's got pillows and duvets and everything!
ME: Eeeeerrrr ... No. That's our bed. Yours is the one on the floor.
BRAMBLE: That's what you think!"

"LIL: Mum!!! Muuuuuum! I just saw a HUGE guinea pig and it looked at me funny!! Muuuum! Go get rid of it ... Hang on, why is Daddy cuddling the giant guinea pig? And why is it on MY sofa?! And why is its tail WAGGING?!!!... Who do I write to about the appalling conditions in which I am forced to live? Don't be surprised if a BBC film crew turn up on your doorstep to expose this OUTRAGE!!"

"LIL: *pokes head put from under bed & whispers* Psssst! Psssst! Mum! Where is ... y'know ... It?
ME: Out for a walk with Daddy.
LIL: *halfway out from under bed* So it's safe? I mean, I can come out and *shudders* It won't wag threateningly at me from a safe distance.
ME: No, it's all clear, you can come and cuddle Mummy in bed.
LIL: *snorts with derision* Are you having a laugh? I'm still furious with you, woman. Nope, what I need is a piss, really quite urgently!"

"BRAMBLE: Bark! Bark! Hello little dogs! Will you be my friends? You look like nice dogs. Bark! Woof! Wag! Let's play! Woof! Come on! Let's play chase! Bark! Woof!
LEONARD: Squeak! Erm ... Do you think she knows we're guinea pigs?"

"BRAMBLE: Sniff sniff! I can smell a cat under the bed! Sniff sniff! I shall sniff her out!
ME: Bramble, leave her alone. This won't end well, believe me!
B: No Mummy, the cat wants to be my friend. We shall play and cuddle and be best friends forever! Come out cat! Sniff sniff! Wag wag! Sniff!
LIL: Yowl hiss spit!
B: *retreats at speed and cowers on bed* Mummy, the cat is scary and mean. But we can still be BFFs. Come here cat! Sniff sniff ...
ME: *sigh*"

ME: *potters into spare room*
CAT: What are you doing here? This is MY room!
ME: Can't sleep so I'm going to read for a bit until I nod off.
CAT: Where is .... *shudders* ... It?
ME: Next door in her basket.

CAT: Awesome!! PUUUURRRRRR! *leaps on me and frantically paws my tummy*
ME: Lil, this isn't going to help me get to sleep.
CAT: *glares* Do I look like I give two shits about you? Cuddle me, bitch, and be quick about it. You never know when that bastard dog might arrive.
DOG: I can hear everything you're saying, just so you know.

**BREAKING NEWS FROM OUR HOME AFFAIRS CORRESPONDENT** Fighting broke out today over disputed territory on the stairs. Tensions erupted after canine troops attempted to bypass feline forces encamped in the area. The stairs are a prized access route to the bedroom, and have been defended for some time by forces loyal to The Cat. A spokeperson for The Cat claims that the canine attempt to force through the stockade is an overt act of aggression and therefore feline troops are required to act in self-defence. However, the leader of the canine forces has stated "I left my chewy toy in the bedroom. I just wanted to chew it. I like chewing. I like cats too. Will you be my fwend?"

"Now Bramble, I know we've discussed this three times today already, but let's go over it once more ...
1. Food in the cat bowl is for the cat.
2. You are not a cat."

Darling Dog,
In no way do we wish to curtail your fun, but there are a few things which really aren't your toys & therefore should be left alone ...
1. Bras
2. Knitting
3. The guinea pigs

4. Dirty laundry
5. Fingers
6. The cat
Your co-operation would be appreciated!

Darling Dog,
We want you to be well-fed, content and happy. However , please note that the following things are NOT dog food. We'd appreciate it if you could refrain from eating ...
1. Socks
2. Cat food
3. Knickers

4. Your paws
5. Cat poo
Many thanks,
Your ever-loving humans x

Darling Cat,
I'm so pleased that you're happy and that you finally feel confident enough to have cuddles with the dog in the room. I'm also impressed by your persistence. However, please note that the following times aren't really convenient for cuddles. I'd be delighted if you could refrain from turning up at:
1 am
2 am
3 am

4 am
5 am
Yours ever,
Your utterly exhausted Mummy xxx

"Dearest Dog, I'm so pleased that you're feeling confident in your new home, and that you want to express your creativity. It's wonderful that you've chosen to turn your talents to fashion design. However, please note that I don't tend to wear split-crotch knickers as a matter of course. I would therefore be enormously grateful if you could stop stealing and chewing my knickers! Yours ever, Your chilly-crotched Mummy Xxx"

"Darling dog,
I'm thrilled that you've found something upon which to take out your compulsion to chew. However, I strongly feel that your paw isn't an appropriate chew toy, particularly given that I now have to cancel date night to take you to the vets!
Ever thine,
Your dateless mummy x"

"Darling Dog,
It's wonderful that you're so concerned for our safety and willing to protect us at all costs. However, if you really must alert us to potentially dangerous things, like rain or birds, by barking loudly in the early hours of the morning, perhaps you would then be so good as to put the kettle on and bring us a pot of tea!
With love,
Your sleep-deprived parents x"

"Darling Dog,
I understand that everything is very exciting, and that you're extremely anxious to get from one floor to another as quickly as possible to see what wonderful things are happening. However, I'd be enormously grateful if you could possibly wait until the humans have finished descending the stairs before you launch yourself downwards at full-pelt. It'll save on the cost of ibuprofen and tubigrip in the long run.
Many thanks,
Your bruised and injured Mummy x"

"Darling Dog,
I think it's truly brilliant that you love your walks. It's great that Daddy tired you out today throwing tennis balls around the park. I completely understand that you get overtired and sometimes need to lie down. However, it isn't strictly necessary for you to roll in putrid shit to get your point across.
Yours ever,
Your exasperated and now very wet Mummy x"

"ME: Hello Dog. We've just been to Pets at Home. We've got you lots of presents.
DOG: Oh wow! A giant ball! I love it! A new bone! I love it! A tuggy toy! I love it! New chews! I love them! You're amazing! What do I play with first?! I'm so happy!!!
ME: Lilith, we got you a new toy too. *dangles new ribbony, feathery cat toy in front of cat*
CAT: You're utterly pathetic and I hate you. *stalks out of room*"

"DOG: Mummy, Mummy, Mummy! Is it time for walkies now? Is it? Is it? Is it time?
ME: Darling hound, look out of the window.
DOG: Oooh, what's that?
ME: That, my poppet is very heavy rain and hail. And listen .... *rumble, bang, rumble*
DOG: Oooooh, what's that?
ME: That, my sweetling, is thunder.
DOG. Oh. I see. So is it time for walkies now? Is it? Is it? Is it time?!"

CAT: Mother, remove this idiotic creature from the bed immediately! How dare it have the audacity to think it can share bed space with me!
DOG: I just wuv you so much Cat Fwend! I just gunna look at you cos you are so beeyoooteeful and I wuv you.
CAT: Oh, well, when you put it like that ... Mother, the creature can stay.

CAT: Puny girl human, I demand cuddles. Wake immediately and let me sleep on your tummy! *curls up on my tummy and purrs*
DOG: .... ..... ..... I want a cuddle too. *thinks* Cat fwend is asleep on Mummy's tummy. That looks like fun .... Daddy is asleep on his back like Mummy .... ..... I'm about the same size as the cat, probably ..... Daddy won't notice ..... Oh dear! Daddy noticed!

Dearest Hound,
It's brilliant that you're so alert and vigilant in the night. However, the reasons you should wake us up are very limited. They are as follows:
1. A burglar has broken into the house and is coming up the stairs to murder us in our bed. The cat doesn't count.
2. You can see flames in the house. This is different to sunrise.
3. There is a strange noise suggesting impending catastrophe e.g. the ground rumbling. The guinea pigs having a drink is not a valid reason.

4. You are poorly. 'I need a cuddle at 1am' is not an illness.
5. It is at least 7.30am, therefore it's breakfast time. 2.30 and 7.30 are very very different.
Before you wake us up, please think very carefully about whether points 1-5 are happening, or if you're just being a wretch!
Thanks everso,
Your exhausted Mummy & Daddy x

Darling Cat,
I think it's wonderful that you're so appreciative of all the hard work that Mummy has put in to revamping the garden. However, I have a little bit of feedback about your use of the garden:
1. Ornamental grasses are bloody expensive and are not there for you to snack on. There's a great big patch of plain normal grass for that.
2. Planter boxes don't double as commodes. Please stop digging up my jasmine plants so you can have a dump!
3. If you will insist on digging up the flower beds, please could you sweep up the mess you've made.
4. I don't know what you have against the delphinium, but please leave it alone. It's been through enough.
5. Please could you relinquish control of the old barbeque so we can bin it. The big pile of rusting junk spoils the aesthetic of the garden. Just because you like to sleep on it doesn't mean it's staying!
6. Bramble is allowed to use the garden too. It's not acceptable to hide in the shrubs and leap out like a ninja everytime the dog settles down for a wee!
Ever thine,
Mummy x