"BRAMBLE: Wow! My new basket is massive! It's got pillows and duvets and everything!
ME: Eeeeerrrr ... No. That's our bed. Yours is the one on the floor.
BRAMBLE: That's what you think!"

"LIL: Mum!!! Muuuuuum! I just saw a HUGE guinea pig and it looked at me funny!! Muuuum! Go get rid of it ... Hang on, why is Daddy cuddling the giant guinea pig? And why is it on MY sofa?! And why is its tail WAGGING?!!!... Who do I write to about the appalling conditions in which I am forced to live? Don't be surprised if a BBC film crew turn up on your doorstep to expose this OUTRAGE!!"

"LIL: *pokes head put from under bed & whispers* Psssst! Psssst! Mum! Where is ... y'know ... It?
ME: Out for a walk with Daddy.
LIL: *halfway out from under bed* So it's safe? I mean, I can come out and *shudders* It won't wag threateningly at me from a safe distance.
ME: No, it's all clear, you can come and cuddle Mummy in bed.
LIL: *snorts with derision* Are you having a laugh? I'm still furious with you, woman. Nope, what I need is a piss, really quite urgently!"

"BRAMBLE: Bark! Bark! Hello little dogs! Will you be my friends? You look like nice dogs. Bark! Woof! Wag! Let's play! Woof! Come on! Let's play chase! Bark! Woof!
LEONARD: Squeak! Erm ... Do you think she knows we're guinea pigs?"

"BRAMBLE: Sniff sniff! I can smell a cat under the bed! Sniff sniff! I shall sniff her out!
ME: Bramble, leave her alone. This won't end well, believe me!
B: No Mummy, the cat wants to be my friend. We shall play and cuddle and be best friends forever! Come out cat! Sniff sniff! Wag wag! Sniff!
LIL: Yowl hiss spit!
B: *retreats at speed and cowers on bed* Mummy, the cat is scary and mean. But we can still be BFFs. Come here cat! Sniff sniff ...
ME: *sigh*"

ME: *potters into spare room*
CAT: What are you doing here? This is MY room!
ME: Can't sleep so I'm going to read for a bit until I nod off.
CAT: Where is .... *shudders* ... It?
ME: Next door in her basket.

CAT: Awesome!! PUUUURRRRRR! *leaps on me and frantically paws my tummy*
ME: Lil, this isn't going to help me get to sleep.
CAT: *glares* Do I look like I give two shits about you? Cuddle me, bitch, and be quick about it. You never know when that bastard dog might arrive.
DOG: I can hear everything you're saying, just so you know.

**BREAKING NEWS FROM OUR HOME AFFAIRS CORRESPONDENT** Fighting broke out today over disputed territory on the stairs. Tensions erupted after canine troops attempted to bypass feline forces encamped in the area. The stairs are a prized access route to the bedroom, and have been defended for some time by forces loyal to The Cat. A spokeperson for The Cat claims that the canine attempt to force through the stockade is an overt act of aggression and therefore feline troops are required to act in self-defence. However, the leader of the canine forces has stated "I left my chewy toy in the bedroom. I just wanted to chew it. I like chewing. I like cats too. Will you be my fwend?"