"Dearest Dog, I'm so pleased that you're feeling confident in your new home, and that you want to express your creativity. It's wonderful that you've chosen to turn your talents to fashion design. However, please note that I don't tend to wear split-crotch knickers as a matter of course. I would therefore be enormously grateful if you could stop stealing and chewing my knickers! Yours ever, Your chilly-crotched Mummy Xxx"